Calm Strife

As parents we need to make corrections in our children’s behavior and decisions.

And as we do, it is worth remembering, most biblical parenting operates according to this principle: lead by example.

One way this principle is worked out is illustrated through the proverb: A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.
– Proverbs 15:1

Similarly, this one: A hot-tempered man stirs up conflict, but a man slow to anger calms strife.
– Proverbs 15:18

This is especially poignant with toddlers and teens.

A hot-tempered parent makes children feel threatened – rather than discipled, mentored, or led. It makes them less receptive to correction.

Feeling threatened by one of their primary anchors (their parent) “stirs up” a deep sense of vulnerability. With a crushed spirit they either crumble – or they fight back – in order to defend against how crushed they feel. Relational walls are going up.

In situations of ‘escalation’ the parent is reacting to a child’s immaturity, rather than leading.

But as the Scriptures above convey, the principle works equally for de-escalating. De-escalation with an energetic or willful child more strongly affirms the truth being communicated, by how it is communicated.

We aren’t referring to a sappy, spineless calm. But a strong, confident calm – like the calm rhythmic glow of a lighthouse in a storm. This is a good image of who we must be as we correct our children.

God invites us, as His children, to parent out of a true peace and rest, grounded in the reality of His Kingdom. The reality about us, and how secure we are as His children. Nothing can threaten it. When we rest in the security of being His child, nothing can threaten us.

Parenting from this peace and rest is not a pretended or forced peace. It is not the “put on" peacefulness which comes with a forced smile of religiosity.

It is a real and profound peace which is beyond rational explanation.

Being anchored in our Father’s peace is a relational dance step – or fractal – which is naturally repeated and transferred to the ones we are parenting, discipling, or mentoring.

Take some time to remember you are the child of our strong but gentle Father.

Train up a child in the manner they should go about life;
even when they are old they will not depart from it.
– Proverbs 22:6